Over the past several months, I’ve spent all my writing time finishing the second draft of my book. It’s in decent shape and I plan to give it one more round of edits before I start my—ominous tone of voice— “publication journey.” I feel like I could write another entire book about the writing process for this book, but I know my flocks of subscribers have been dying for more content here. To shake off the Substack dust, I decided to give you the Cliff Notes of aspirational authorship.
Catherine’s Top 56 Tips for Potential Success
1. Grow up surrounded by good books and snarky siblings.
2. Read the books, snark with the siblings.
3. Dream of being an author.
4. Occasionally unsettle your teachers with surprisingly dark creative writing assignments, but otherwise strive for perfection.
5. Become an angsty teenager with a notebook problem.
6. Pretend you’re not angsty at all—that would make you look weak, and possibly unintelligent.
7. Fill notebooks with angst in the form of poems, essays, and journal entries.
8. Annotate your angst with asides like “This is stupid!” “I will DIE if anyone reads this!” “I am pathetic for writing this,” “WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEEEE!!!”, etc.
9. Tell yourself you’re going to burn all these notebooks one day.
10. Never actually burn them because there is power in taking what plagues you and transforming it into something new and beautiful, even if your only audience is yourself.
11. Write amusing recaps of your escapades with your friends, as slightly fictionalized short stories or as private blog posts.
12. Keep dreaming of being a “real” writer but think you don’t have “anything good enough” to say. And by “anything good enough” you mean, “a fully developed, instantly bestselling, literary juggernaut of a plot that is safely devoid of anything personal because you don’t want to feel embarrassed.”
13. Grow up. Start hitting stuff for fun. While hitting things, meet the person who puts all your angst into perspective.
14. Be very happy. Pinch yourself to determine if this is really happening.
15. Find yourself surrounded by three kids, figure it is really happening.
16. While gestating and raising the three kids, experience a combination of relationship security and hormonal rage that drives home the truth—when squashed feelings won’t quit, it’s because they have critical information for you. So you might as well embrace the information and see where it takes you.
17. Endure a turbulent few years (2020 et al.). Fail, disappoint, and otherwise be imperfect.
18. Write your way through. Recognize that good writing tells the truth and rarely comes out right the first time. Think you could apply this principle to your life if everything could just STOP for ONE SECOND.
19. While the dust settles from the turbulence, feel like you’ve been hit by a truck. Reflect endlessly on your life journey thus far. Talk to your husband about how wise you have become.
20. Start a blog because you need a place to organize the word vomit in your head.
21. Think there is no truer sign you’re a mother than that you can think of organizing even metaphorical vomit.
22. Understand your initial drafts will suck, but they’ll only continue to suck if you abandon them. Understand that even after you’ve made something you love, other people might hate it, or worse, nothing it. But finally don’t mind.
23. While on the hunt for some sentimental items, discover those old journals you never did burn.
24. Read the journals. Occasionally smack yourself in the forehead, but mostly smile, because that girl was smart and funny. She was so angry at herself for not being able to just reason her way to contentment, but that was because she knew there had to be something better out there.
25. Now, from where you stand in the place where it’s better, appreciate your soft but stubborn heart that will not just shut the hell up even when you really want it to.
26. Reflect endlessly on the journals while continuing to reflect endlessly on your life journey.
27. BOOM think of a protagonist’s name and BOOM put her in a scene and BOOM you’ve got the first two ingredients for a book.
28. Write book notes in your phone.
29. Crack yourself up.
30. Write book snippets on a word doc.
31. Text your sister a line you’re proud of.
32. Write whenever the inspiration strikes.
33. Read books by writers about writing. Notice that the advice of every single one is that you must write regularly.
34. Write randomly.
35. Run into plot problems. Decide to worry about them later.
36. After a year of puttering, show a partial draft to your husband.
37. Keep writing randomly for another few months.
38. Concede that the authors who have published books on writing may be correct that to be an author, one must actually complete a book, so enough is enough, you’re going to finish this book before your birthday.
39. Get up before the kids and write.
40. Get up before the kids and write.
41. Get up and pull back your covers so the kid who also got up can sleep next to you while you write.
42. Write while a three-year-old lies on one of your arms.
43. Write while a six-year-old tells you all about the dream that just woke him.
44. Write while an eight-year-old tells you all about his day yesterday.
45. Hope someday your kids remember keeping you company on dark mornings while you went after your dream.
46. But also hope they fall back asleep soon and therefore don’t remember it very well after all.
47. Finish a draft. Send it to allies. Be externally validated. Think over the feedback.
48. Start your new draft in January. Vow you’ll be finished by June.
49. Vow you’ll be finished by July.
50. Vow you’ll be finished by August.
51. Finish your second draft in September.
52. Get your second draft printed and bound.
53. Have an embarrassing interaction with a Staples employee who says your signature is required “in case you become famous someday.”
54. Celebrate this milestone with steaks and buttered rum because your husband is the GOAT.
55. Buy some red pens while preparing to make your edits, because you have a pen problem as well as a notebook problem.
56. Crack your knuckles and get ready for the next round.
Were you expecting actual writing tips? Sorry, this isn’t real advice, it’s just a self-serving listicle. That is a prevalent modern literary genre that was not covered in your high school English class. If you want my real advice on how to write a book, the steps are just these:
1. Write what’s in your heart.
2. Write it like no one is reading over your shoulder, except maybe those select few people who you know are going to laugh at your jokes.
3. Do that in repeated intervals of time or word count until you have a book.
That’s it.
Do you have any writing tips to share? Did your embarrassing adolescent hobby turn totally awesome when you grew up?
You are a national treasure. Number 53???!!! Amazing!! 😅 Also #31😭😭